Why has your child stopped listening to you?

A typical problem that parents often find themselves having to deal with is "my child doesn't listen to me, what should I do?". Let's analyse this problem. But remember, you are a human and so is the child.

Before viewing the parent-child interaction as human-human interaction, first let's consider the ways a human listens to another human

One way is by brute force or authority (let's not get in to how that authority was established). Through this way, one human must follow what the other human says just because the other human is in a superior ideological position, or as it is called the position of authority. This type of listening usually happens in all sorts of social institutions. It happens at our workplace, it happens at schools, it happens at hospitals, it happens when you are on the road, and sometimes it happens even at home. This one in most cases is not reciprocative. The human who listens is usually not in a position where the same human (the authority position) they "listened-to" will listen to them.

Now don't get me wrong, authority has its place. Sometimes parents need to use authority, especially when it comes to safety or protecting their children from harm. A toddler running toward a busy street needs immediate authority, not a discussion. But when authority becomes the primary way of relating, when every interaction is about compliance rather than connection, something precious is lost.

Another way humans listen to each other is by love, where one human listens to another simply because they love them, they want to stay close to each other, feel connected to each other, feel cared for by them, and care for them. This particular type of listening happens in romantic relationships, families, friendships, and in this context between a parent and a child. And this one in most cases is reciprocative, at least until it stops being so. When it stops, it has sneakily shifted towards the first kind through subtle interaction.

Now it is up to parents to decide in what way they wish to be listened-to by their children. They can either choose their authority over them or they can choose the love they feel for them. There might be other ways, but I intend to focus on the second one, because I believe that is the human way.

Here I will turn to the parents who wish to speak to their kids out of the love they feel for them.

If you feel that you try to speak to your child out of love and they still won't listen to you, then perhaps the reciprocity isn't happening. The child doesn't feel that you are also "listening" to them. The child feels "unlistened-to" and hence stops listening to you as well, in turn making you feel "unlistened-to" as well.

Now typically when encountered with this problem, many parents simply, over time, get used to it and accept it as part of life. And long before they realise, each of them instead of parent-child have become stranger-stranger. What a tragedy. One of the most beautiful human relationships, and not being able to cherish it fully and facing such a strange outcome.

So where do we begin?

First step is to identify when did that infant who once followed you wherever you went, yearned for you in your absence, when and how did that human stop listening to you.

Now before I get to helping this situation, first do a test. How would you respond if let's say your 15-year-old child comes to you with a problem that they wish to drop out from the school, or your ten-year-old says that they hate their teachers or that they hate their classmates, or your 5-year-old is annoyed and starts crying in front of your worthy guests?

Take a moment to reflect. No judgements, this is just a test to find the root of the problem.

Your honest answers to these questions reveal where the breakdown happened. In my next blog, I'll share how to respond to these situations in ways that restore reciprocal listening and rebuild that beautiful connection between parent and child.