Parents shouldn't be blamed

We are humans, we feel, think, and behave in certain ways. There are days when we feel exhausted, irritated, and angry. There are days when we feel depressed, sad, and withdrawn. There are also those days when we feel happy, excited, and cheerful. And there are even those days when we feel all of this in one day. It is especially more common when we become parents.

Parenting is the most challenging role we perform as humans. And more often than not, parents are blamed for all that goes wrong. They are blamed for the crying infant, the low scoring student, the neurotic teenager, and even for the vulnerable adult. As always it is easier to blame than address the issue and deal with it. And during this continuous act of blaming the parents, we tend to forget the humans behind the parents.

But what happens when someone becomes a parent? The human who until now was living their own feelings, thoughts and actions is now also living the feelings, thoughts and actions of another human. Becoming a parent can be the most beautiful feeling any human can experience in their whole life. And despite that, parents are blamed. Because it is easier to blame than to offer the right help.

It is this game of blame that often results in children saying "My parents don't get me at all", "I don't tell my parents anything, otherwise they always start lecturing", and parents saying something along the lines of "He never tells us anything, what can we do", "I have no influence over my 16 year old boy, he never listens to me at all", "We have given up on her, she is just so stubborn", "He rarely sits with us and spends much of the time in his room whenever he is home."

Isn't it sad that potentially one of the most beautiful intimate relationships which we can experience as humans generally suffers from such bad blood? I often wonder what happens which distances the children from parents and in the end both get blamed when neither should be blamed. Because all blaming does is further increase the distance, build up resentment and weaken the ability to reconnect.

So what can we do instead?

No matter the issue, whether it is lack of communication, mutual understanding, or disinterest in the parent-child connection, the only way forward is to address the feelings, thoughts and behaviour of the humans behind the parents and the humans behind the kids.

This means listening without immediately fixing. It means parents acknowledging "I'm overwhelmed too" instead of pretending to have all the answers. It means children hearing "I'm trying my best, even when I mess up" without feeling guilty. It means family members sitting together and simply saying "I want to understand you better. Can we try again?"

Because here's the truth: when we stop blaming and start seeing each other as humans navigating life together, something shifts. The distance shrinks. The resentment softens. And that beautiful, intimate relationship we're all longing for becomes possible again.

Maybe the question isn't "who's to blame?" Maybe the real question is "how can we help each other be better humans?"